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Paul Puthur Ignatius is a long time parishioner at SMCB. He is married to Shibi and they have three children - Ashwin, Noble and Athena.
They live in Shrewsbury, MA.
June 19th was Father’s Day. I was asked if I could reflect on Father’s Day. Now, after a bit of thought, I think it is worthwhile for me to reflect on my relationship with my father and with my children. It is a two-way street.
"So far both of you were important and dear to me as dear children. But now, I am entrusting you the future of Ashwin with you, and you are even more important to me than before". My dad hugged both Shibi and he said this on the day Ashwin was born.
Growing up as the son of a larger-than-life figure in our small circle of existence, his towering figure and shadow of what a father should be, always intrigued us.
"That is Inashu Master’s son". That phrase carried a demand of integrity, courage, perseverance, leadership, thoughtfulness, compassion and caring second to none in the world we grew up in.
"That is Inashu Master’s son". That phrase carried a demand of integrity, courage, perseverance, leadership, thoughtfulness, compassion and caring second to none in the world we grew up in.
We learned of his blemishes as we got older, but the brightness of the personality stood blinding, demanding and intense. He taught us that being his children, we were to be held to the highest standards, to aspire, never settle for mediocrity, and to earn it through merit, not entitlement. As we grew into our teenage years, when everyone was rebelling, my dad was my best friend, consoling, encouraging, challenging us to become a better version of ourselves. It was emotional, intellectual, cerebral, enabling and loving.
Two lessons he taught me, which inspired me to be a better human being.
I. It is one thing to have taught your children something, it is a different thing to enable them to outshine you in their abilities, even more important to maintain a healthy adult relationship with them when they outshine you.
I. It is one thing to have taught your children something, it is a different thing to enable them to outshine you in their abilities, even more important to maintain a healthy adult relationship with them when they outshine you.
I could go on about how the relationship with my dad evolved, however, I remember two incidents in my life that set standards for what a father should be. One of them was a moment of hubris when I was 18, I deliberately sat down while the National Anthem was playing on the radio. Dad glared at me “It is the National Anthem”. A person of independence struggle era, that was sacrilegious, an insult to his generation who gave all they had to gain India her freedom. “The very nationalism makes me hate my brothers growing up in Pakistan without ever knowing me and enabling them to hate me?”. Ego of a leader would have been hurt.
I threw an ideal at his face, this towering image of a hero, and wanted it to hurt. What ensued was surprising. He engaged in a dialog to explore my emotions and thoughts further, identify the care for individuals, and what a human being should do.
A moment to acknowledge my cerebral being, without hurt, defense, anger, or other emotions he may have experienced, he made it a learning together journey.
II. Teach them the yardstick of love
II. Teach them the yardstick of love
The second incident was when my son had to have an emergency surgery, he was barely recovering from his cardiac triple-by-pass surgery, three weeks into recovery, he ignored all doctors’ warnings, took my son to the local hospital, waited outside till he got the best care. He went home when all was assured of the successful surgery outcome after 18 hours of not resting.
He died in 2004 of stomach cancer. My daughter became a quadriplegic in 2009. Our children grew up, presented their own set of challenges at me.
Every day I ask myself, “What would he have done? When do I show love, when do I show principled stance?” I think I get it right 50% of the time. This dialogue in my head has enabled me to pick myself up when I fall and pursue what the frontiers of science or parenthood may bring.
Every day I ask myself, “What would he have done? When do I show love, when do I show principled stance?” I think I get it right 50% of the time. This dialogue in my head has enabled me to pick myself up when I fall and pursue what the frontiers of science or parenthood may bring.
It also asked of me to be a better parent.
It also asked of me to be a better parent.
My children already challenge me. They know more, they have a perspective of higher ideals, and they are better human beings. At times it hurts to know my flaws, and often they teach me higher morals, better standards, but there is a father in me being proud. Not too bad. I did it right 50% of the time. They are better beings.
Thank you, dad, for teaching me that biggest lesson of all.
My dad never told us “Awesome”
My dad never told us “Awesome”
My dad never told us “Awesome” at those moments when research papers were published, academic accolades came home. But as my mom once told me once when I bickered on how dad never seems to be happy, “Look at those cake wrappings and beer bottles– we had a party here. He simply did not want it to get to your head”. My less than perfect fatherhood has a few such stories as well.
I do not know how to say “awesome” yet.
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